I'm not feeling terribly poetical right now, too sleepy to make a pretty post, or whatever it is when I put in effort. Just going to write things as they are.
Things have changed, a little. I've begun working, for one. It's just part time, but it's so nice to be making a contribution even though it's small. I love my job. I'll describe it later.
I've had some medical issues lately, and after a few seriously nightmarish episodes have been prescribed muscle relaxants to help me sleep (lack of sleep either caused or seriously exacerbated the issue). I'm also supposed to start seeing a therapist soon, my medical issues are brought about by anxiety and stress.
I may be moving again. Fiance and I may be getting an apartment with some friends, maybe right by campus. That would be lovely. I hope this happens.
I had a little breakdown today. It started a week ago when I pulled on a pair of shorts and realized I couldn't button them. I've been trying to eat better since but I don't think I've been doing well. I can' tell, it's like the second I get into all this the me from before no longer exists, maybe even never existed. I can't compare how I eat now to how I ate then, because the past me doesn't exist. She didn't eat she didn't breath she didn't exist. But I tried, and today, I tried those shorts again. It seemed easier to pull them on and zip them up, but then I caught my reflection in the mirror and I just looked so awful I started crying. This all must seem so silly to a normal person, but it's like thinking you're a human then discovering you're a monster and have been one the whole time. I ran into Fiance when I was leaving the mirror and I asked him how I looked, just to gauge a more normal persons reaction. He didn't seem to understand why I was upset or felt I looked bad. That scared me. I've been worried about body dismorphia for a while, afraid that either I have it or people are straight up lying to me about how I look. This instance was much more extreme then ever before though. I look so...big. I tried to
I tried to
I attempted to induce vomiting.
I've never been able to before.
Still can't.
Ate maybe 200 calories since then, and I'm planning how I'll get away with not eating tomorrow and the next day, hopefully I'll manage until the end of the week, then the next then the rest of the month and next month and next year. I miss my bones. My hipbones, my collarbones, my ribs. I miss feeling them, so delicate and intricate like lace. They're smothered now. Just the tips show, like iceburgs. This thaw's gone on too long, we need a good freeze.
