119

I'm at 119, I've officially lost 60 lbs. Smallest I've ever been in my adult life, pr teenage life for that matter. I cannot express my excitement, my triumph. I calculated my ideal weight with this, I am at it precisely, when compensating for my smaller frame( 160 cm minus 100 is 60, which translates to 132 lbs minus 10% which is 13.2, so 118.8). Now anything I do takes me to underweight. I have never been underweight. This feeling is intoxicating. Perhaps by October I can be below 110. That's my next goal, though truly primarily I'll be working on not regaining the weight. I want to run outside and dance in the sun. Instead I'll make candy clay decorations for cupcakes and not eat a single one.

Thinspo song

I don't have much in the way of thinspo music, this is about it. I love this band, Chibi has a lovely voice and their stuff can get so dreamlike. Anyhow, not feeling up for an update yet so that'll have to come later. Hopefully tomorrow. I'm still stuck in time, once my scale moves below 120 I can unfreeze and be human again. Unfreeze isn't the right word, being frozen is beautiful, a delicate balance. I'm more bogged down in the mud and grime of FAT and being FAT. At 120 I can shed this dirty skin.

Begin again

I'm back. This weekend is an absolute blur. Eating was so frustrating, there was only one time when I knew the content of my food from the day I left. Being home, eating feels so much safer. I know everything that goes into me, I was able to stay under my limit yesterday and it was lovely. Today, I've had nothing but tea and it's perfect. I'm still a bit busy catching up on things, so not much of a post today. Relieved to be back, but as I hate where I live and spent the weekend visiting friends from a past life that I miss so much, a little sad and empty. Better then sad and full, right?

Little trip

So I'm leaving for the weekend to visit one of the bigger cities in my state, and I'll be traveling with someone who has been watching my caloric intake. So, I'm feeling a little worried, especially because I haven't been able to make a dent in these next 20 lbs I have to lose. I'm beginning to feel desperate, I've stayed under 900 cal for months it seems and I just can't lose any more weight. Doesn't help my scale seems to be broken, gives me seemingly random weights, going from the 130's to 110's within a day, not likely to be an authentic weight. But I am starting to stress about this new plateau. I NEED to start losing again. And while being watched I don't know how I'll manage. Either people notice my eating habits and maybe start doing something about them or I stall my weight loss or maybe even gain. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll fast tomorrow to prepare, just make sure to drink a shit-ton of water and a small amount of caffeine. Worried, stressed. Hating my body, why won't it work right?

Oh my oh my...

but I had a baaaad day yesterday. The day before I had fasted, and yesterday something in me snapped. It was BAM free day. I felt so horrible but kaPOW I was eating a bagel with full fat cream cheese, bread and butter, cheetos, ice cream, and there was even more but I am just too embarrassed to continue. That is the majority though. Anyhow, it was awful. Afterwards I decided it was alright, one free day once in a while isn't so bad, but then I kept trying to calculate what I had eaten and I knew if I did I would seriously freak. So there I was trying so very very hard to keep me from calculating calories, trying to find something else to think about, and finally I did! I found this show, it's perfect for me when I crave food but can't eat. Unique Sweets. It's the show about all these cool little sweet shops and all the neato things they make, which you would think would make anyone wild with hunger but no, it just makes me want to CREATE! It is so inspiring, all these amazing little candies and cakes. Today I ended up making some cookies (not too inspired, but it was the only thing I could make with the ingredients and tools I had) but I really want to try making caramel now. Unfortunately my boyfriend doesn't like caramel, and he's the one who usually ends up eating most of the sweets I bake. Maybe I can get my roommates to eat it. I really want to try a few times before December though, (gee think I have the time?) since I love giving homemade noms as gifts and I'm getting bored of giving out the same cookies each year.
Back to the point, this show is awesome. They have the best shots of the food, and paired with the gorgeous descriptions you may as well be eating them yourself. It's kept me from craving all day. Later I'll see how it fairs in stopping cravings that are already underway.
Oh, and the whole fasting/judgment snap didn't turn out too bad either. One reason I usually steer clear of fasts is I'm always worried about my metabolism slowing down, but what went on yesterday definitely remedied that, my erm...body has been...moving. Perhaps I should do this more often, a fast followed by free day, to keep my metabolism up. Even better, I can plan it around family gatherings so I can dissuade my family's worries. My family has decided I've lost enough weight already and they've started watching my intake a little too closely. This pisses me off a little, I started this when I noticed my dad watching each damn bite I had at dinner because he thought I was too fat. Rawr. But I'm being too harsh, I love my family and I can't blame them for this, it's all me. But seeing me eat on a free day should make them feel much better about my eating. Ahahaha.

Just a little something...

that I wrote awhile ago. I've been trying to get honest opinions on it for a while, who could be more honest then the anonymous browser? If you do read, I would really love a comment. And please, even though it may be a horrible piece with nothing to redeem it, it is mine, and I am a very possessive person. If you repost, credit me, even if it's to mock it.

Sugar House
for better or worse, written by Sugar Bones

This blood runs too warm,
Sugar sweet windows begin to melt
Sticky-soft dissolving
Cookie walls can’t hold this chaos
Pounded to crumbs
All that’s left is rock hard bone white skeleton, flecks of sweet ginger for the birds to peck away

This is why we chose the apple
We knew
Before ready teeth and eager tongue pressed taught skin
Before we broke through to snowy essence
We sensed the poison
This is why we chose the key
We knew
Before the entry was forced open to bloody scene
Before the musty secret exposed
We understood the ravaging
This is why we chose the wolf
We knew
Before we were torn apart and consumed
Before we shared the cannibal feast
We knew the price of freedom

This lifestyle is getting more difficult but even more desirable.

So I've recently moved in with my boyfriend. He doesn't know the extent of my diet, just that I'm dieting. He did notice one day I fasted, but I was stupid and chose a day when he'd be home, so my fault. But he didn't do anything about it, just kept saying I should eat and kept accepting "I'm not hungry" as a legitimate response. Living here makes things more difficult in a few ways, but easier in many. The main difficulty is: obviously fasting is difficult, and I have to be careful about my workout routine around him, meaning some days I don't get to work out and I feel gross and saggy as a melted marshmallow. But I have good reason not to eat. As I don't have a job yet, all the food, all the everything is his. His quite willing to share it but I am a terribly guilty person, which is ONE thing about me he notices. So when I get a side salad at a restaurant, he'll assume it's because I don't want to waste money. I make him a large dinner but have a cup of water with half a bullion cube for myself? Just feeling guilty. This does occasionally backfire though, because ofttimes I crave ridiculous sweets (damn those seductive redvines) and he'll surprise me with them because he appreciates my monetary awareness. At least he doesn't generally notice I'll eat only one a day. But I hate lying to him. He is a fantastic, amazingly beautiful person who deserves a perfect girlfriend. I just can't decide if I'm better as more beautiful and happy then I've ever been in my life, or as completely honest and miserable.
Ergh, this is all much too complicated. But writing it down helps infinitely.
I hope reading it isn't a bore.
By the way, whoever it is that stumbles upon this and takes the time to read about my silly little life, thank you. You are lovely.

So, here we go.

Hello, blog. Hello, reader.
I'm starting this blog hoping to inspire or assist those out there facing the same issues as me. Currently, apart from all the anxietydepressionblahblahblah, I am going through some weird things with food. I don't believe I am anorexic because I can on occasion quit counting calories for a meal, though I generally add them up after. But I think my food issues are too tiny to be a true disorder, and I hardly wish to undermine the seriousness of anorexia by labeling my ittybitty dieting problems with it. I began dieting a little over six months ago, though I've been overweight for nearly a decade (in my early twenties here). During that time, I had told myself I was dieting, I'd try things out for a week at most and then forget, or go to the gym for a month or so but never really push myself. I truly believed nothing worked, but only because I never truly tried. So last year, I truly tried. I calculated how many calories were necessary for a woman of my weight, height, age and lifestyle, found a good calorie deficit, and slowly lowered that about each month. I am now at 900 calories a day, max. An unhealthy number. But between then and now I went from 180 to about 120 lbs. With these results I don't care how unhealthy I am, I am just truly dying to be thin, for once in my adult life to be petite and delicate. My current goal is to be 100 lbs, but I don't know where it will stop. All I know is I'm about middling in my dieting endeavor.
Anyhow, this is basically what I will be talking about, with bits of my life, diet and exercise plans and tips and low cal recipes sprinkled in. I hope nothing here offends those kind enough to read my thoughts, I truly don't want to offend anyone.