Help me come back

I've been gone for so long, both in this little journal of me and in, well, my self-control For two months I've been...eating. I hate myself. I've melted completely. I had been dancing that thin line and I fell right through. But I haven't left entirely, my weight has been on my mind hourly. I can't stop thinking about it, but I lost the conviction to act. I need to come back. I need to pick a side, and this is the only one that welcomes me. The other side is too frightening. I remember, when I was a child, having to set up this complicated structure of pillows so I could sleep on my stomach, because when I slept on my back I felt like I was suffocating. I remember every moment I saw a mirror, a photograph, any image of my, that instant shame and humiliation of "I forgot, I truly am hideous. All those moments I thought perhaps I looked pretty I was a fool."I want to be lovely so desperately. But apparently not enough, given my behavior of the past few months. I am hoping that coming back to my secret little blog will help me. I've been so terrible. I am so scared of what I must weigh. I am so scared of what I must have undone. Again, I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Someone who would remind me to shove gum in my mouth and chew for hours instead of eating chips and cookies. Someone who wouldn't hate me if I refused to drink the extra-mega large root beer my boyfriend brought home for meas a special surprise. If only I knew someone who could be as invested in this or more then I am, I would be able to make the right choices even if I hurt a few feelings. Those can easily be mended. These stretch marks are here until I die.

On another note, I've been inspired lately. To do what, I am not sure. But I've had this lovely vision/dream that I've been clinging too so I could sleep instead of dwell on all the horrible things I've been shoveling in me. Has it ever occurred to you that the ribcage is surprising winglike? As though if we could just find a flaw in our skins and wiggle our way out, our ribs could twist back around the right way and unfold, spread out behind our backs? I've been dreaming of a skeleton girl with ribcage wings, her spinal cord like the tail of a kite. I don't know where to go from there, how to put it to paper, but there it is. When I was little, I believed that people would go to whatever after life they believed in. Christians would go to heaven or hell, Buddhists would be reincarnated until the achieved enlightenment, Atheists would become nothing, and perhaps Agnostics would get to choose. I wonder if my afterlife lies in this skeletal girl.

But I am being silly, my sleep schedule has been messed up due  to unusually early classes starting this week. Anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt, and anything I type is worth less, I give those things just enough thought to make them incomprehensible.

Anyhow, I plan on digging up one of my helpful cd's, I guess you could call it a thinspo cd, and hoping I can make tomorrow better. If anyone is there, please wish me luck.