that I wrote awhile ago. I've been trying to get honest opinions on it for a while, who could be more honest then the anonymous browser? If you do read, I would really love a comment. And please, even though it may be a horrible piece with nothing to redeem it, it is mine, and I am a very possessive person. If you repost, credit me, even if it's to mock it.
Sugar House
for better or worse, written by Sugar Bones
This blood runs too warm,
Sugar sweet windows begin to melt
Sticky-soft dissolving
Cookie walls can’t hold this chaos
Pounded to crumbs
All that’s left is rock hard bone white skeleton, flecks of sweet ginger for the birds to peck away
This is why we chose the apple
We knew
Before ready teeth and eager tongue pressed taught skin
Before we broke through to snowy essence
We sensed the poison
This is why we chose the key
We knew
Before the entry was forced open to bloody scene
Before the musty secret exposed
We understood the ravaging
This is why we chose the wolf
We knew
Before we were torn apart and consumed
Before we shared the cannibal feast
We knew the price of freedom
Wow, I really like this! I think the first half of the poem is much stronger than the second half though. Everything up to and including the poison part. I really liked the imagery in the beginning, and just the SOUNDS of the words. Cookie/chaos/crumbs was especially inspired.
ReplyDeleteThe only part I really didn't like is you started describing things very softly, delicately, thin and ethereal - which is the way I prefer to be honest. But then all of a sudden you're talking about "rock hard" bones and "ravaging" and being "torn". I guess for me I see it as a soft descent, drifting hazily through the hard world, living in our soft, delicate dreams.
I can see it either way, but I was confused about the sudden jump. If you're talking about a new idea, you need to make that clear. It was just... confusing.
Thank you so much! This has helped me see this from a completely new perspective. This was the first real feedback I've been able to receive. I've gotten a lot of "Oh that's nice" kind of things, no real criticism. I can actually use this in improving it and I think I will. I'll repost the revision when it's done. Again, thank you. ^-^
ReplyDeleteOh, opinions I have! Free to anyone who asks :D
ReplyDeleteI'd really like to see more of your poetry, I really liked this.