Up in the air

My head has been spinning. Nothing really new or interesting, it's just my self constantly changing. Yesterday, I glanced at my now-knobbly knee and had the thought "I have never seen myself like this before" and I realized I had been thinking that nearly every time I glance new evidence of my weight loss. It seems like for at least a month now, probably since summer began, I've had absolutely no mental image of myself. I do not know myself. I wish I could put it in terms as simple as a butterfly from a cocoon, with a brand new body. But that's not right, there was no clean transition to identify, and my change isn't done. I feel like I'll never know myself again. I feel a little sad, but also relieved because the me that I knew was someone I'm ashamed of. I think of my old body and wince. But I don't know where I'm going, who I am. The one comfort is that who I am is better, and who I will be is better still.
One of the most difficult things about it is I'm terrified to bring up the subject of my weight loss with anyone. I can't crow over how I've kept under 700 the past two days, and well under 900 the past week. I can't talk about my image issues. Even safe-ish topics like being unable to recognize myself could lead to "Well you're done losing weight now, right? So you can get used to yourself again." Because I hate lying outright like that. I'm willing to hide this, it would upset everyone. But I will not lie unless I'm absolutely driven into a corner, I'll avoid it as long as I can. The only time I can mention these things is on my nice safe little blog. But that fact that I can't truly voice any of these things makes me feel so lonely. I can't tell anyone directly, not even people who happen to read this on their way to other blogs, because unless I get feedback in some form or other, it may as well just be written on a scrap of paper and burned. I feel as though I've still told no one. I am painfully aware of how long it's been since I've opened my mouth right now. I wish there was someone I could talk to. When I started dieting, I started with a good friend of my. We were diet buddies. But she's fallen off the wagon, or climbed back on to it, whichever is your view. I am both upset with her that she left me to continue on alone and relieved that she won't go through this turmoil/chaos/uncertainty as well. I will never worry about her hair loss or identity loss, her manifesting hip bones and ribs, vitamin deficiencies, dizzy spells, weakness. Having just me to worry about is in it's way a relief.
This post has really gone nowhere, I'll pretend I did it on purpose so any reader can for a moment experience my confusion and uncertainty. There, look how clever I've been. Well done me.