New Plan

Let's hope I can stick to this. Writing it down should help.
I snack on peanut butter all the time, maybe two tablespoons worth a day. It has been that each hour I snack on peanut butter, I add 100 cal to my total. But now, I'm going to keep a stricter total and not count the peanut butter. I've decided, upon inspiration from another blog, that I can keep one vice, that being peanut butter, as long as my max calories is very strict and I never cross it unless forced by someone I love (mom or boyfriend fiance[!] demand I eat something and watch me do it.) Max is 700. No more. Hopefully that will lower soon.
Side note, I dyed my hair purple. I got a haircut and was told it looked like normal person's hair. I suppose the average person would either ignore that or be a little offended at the implication that they look dull. I had a mild panic attack and tried to Kool-Aid dye it (would not recommend, had my head coated in Kool-Aid and wrapped in cellophane all night and the only result was an incredibly itchy scalp, and hair that still smells like grape/cherry flavour) then finally bought some Manic Panic (actual dye that hurt my head less then Kool-Aid, major thumbs up there). I had purple hair in high school, I loveloveloved it. So I'm back, pretending not to notice that now I have a job and fiance that I am backsliding into things that make me feel like a safe, protected child. Because I am NORMAL ADULT and NORMAL ADULT can handle things like job having and responsibility for another human being. If it makes a difference, it's a very dark purple, looks plain black in mot lights.

NORMAL ADULT SMASH, NORMAL ADULT PAY TAXES!

I am a weirdo.

I'm probably completely bat-shit but...

Is it bad that someone of my age still imagines? In my mind, the backyard has an old crumbling castle, not a wooden jungle gym infested with spiders from decades ago when stranger's children lived here. The cats living in the rose bushes are soft hearted demons swarming a giant rose tree. The orange trees are a forest of trees that weep heady sap that fills the air with sticky-warm mist, and the trees only bear rotten, thick skinned fruit but their blossoms are made of sugar. I hope/think today I might actually leave the house and explore the backyard. Calories so far this week:
Sunday-unmentionable
Monday-700
Tuesday-750

Help me come back

I've been gone for so long, both in this little journal of me and in, well, my self-control For two months I've been...eating. I hate myself. I've melted completely. I had been dancing that thin line and I fell right through. But I haven't left entirely, my weight has been on my mind hourly. I can't stop thinking about it, but I lost the conviction to act. I need to come back. I need to pick a side, and this is the only one that welcomes me. The other side is too frightening. I remember, when I was a child, having to set up this complicated structure of pillows so I could sleep on my stomach, because when I slept on my back I felt like I was suffocating. I remember every moment I saw a mirror, a photograph, any image of my, that instant shame and humiliation of "I forgot, I truly am hideous. All those moments I thought perhaps I looked pretty I was a fool."I want to be lovely so desperately. But apparently not enough, given my behavior of the past few months. I am hoping that coming back to my secret little blog will help me. I've been so terrible. I am so scared of what I must weigh. I am so scared of what I must have undone. Again, I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Someone who would remind me to shove gum in my mouth and chew for hours instead of eating chips and cookies. Someone who wouldn't hate me if I refused to drink the extra-mega large root beer my boyfriend brought home for meas a special surprise. If only I knew someone who could be as invested in this or more then I am, I would be able to make the right choices even if I hurt a few feelings. Those can easily be mended. These stretch marks are here until I die.

On another note, I've been inspired lately. To do what, I am not sure. But I've had this lovely vision/dream that I've been clinging too so I could sleep instead of dwell on all the horrible things I've been shoveling in me. Has it ever occurred to you that the ribcage is surprising winglike? As though if we could just find a flaw in our skins and wiggle our way out, our ribs could twist back around the right way and unfold, spread out behind our backs? I've been dreaming of a skeleton girl with ribcage wings, her spinal cord like the tail of a kite. I don't know where to go from there, how to put it to paper, but there it is. When I was little, I believed that people would go to whatever after life they believed in. Christians would go to heaven or hell, Buddhists would be reincarnated until the achieved enlightenment, Atheists would become nothing, and perhaps Agnostics would get to choose. I wonder if my afterlife lies in this skeletal girl.

But I am being silly, my sleep schedule has been messed up due  to unusually early classes starting this week. Anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt, and anything I type is worth less, I give those things just enough thought to make them incomprehensible.

Anyhow, I plan on digging up one of my helpful cd's, I guess you could call it a thinspo cd, and hoping I can make tomorrow better. If anyone is there, please wish me luck.

A little bit of me, for you

Whether or not any eyes skim these words, I wanted to write a little about me. Things I'd feel ridiculous posting on facebook, I can't post on my secret-completely-anonymous site because I want to share with the possibility of response, whether or not it happens.I've always been in love with the tenuousness of life. It's bittersweet and perfect, a delicate balance. Some of my most favorite things are connected to this concept. In The Last Unicorn, when Lady Amalthea is created, when the unicorn she was is given a human and mortal form, she says,"I can feel my body dying all around me."and the moment she says that has always been so memorable to me, it always seemed so incredibly beautiful and sad. In another part, King Haggard, the cruel, lonely, broken king, says on seeing unicorns, it was so beautiful, filled him with such joy, he thought he was going to die. To me, beauty will always be connected to death in a way. Something truly delicate is always a step from death, a step from being broken. Being that close to nothing is what makes it beautiful, what makes it perfect. Perhaps that's why I want to need to long to be balancing on that perfect space between perfection, bones and thin blue-purple veins and white skins, and death. To me, that is what I want from life. Anyhow, with all that, I'm actually going to post some thinspo today, the theme being ethereal, delicate, frozen.

You don't need food

You just need this:

Just as good as eating.

Salt Water Flush

Today I am attempting the infamous salt water flush. I will by documenting the results throughout the day by editing this post and adding the new details. Little bit scared, I've never done anything so dramatic to my body before. Or at least, since last year when I started dieting. I used to do things like eating a whole bag of salt-and-vinegar chips, pretty damn bad for you and dramatic. So I'm trying not to worry and just hope for good results. If I can lose about 6 pounds within 2 days, I will have lost 70 in one year. If I can't do this, well, I don't know how I'll feel. I hope I don't find out. Hoping for the best, see you again soon.

Alright, it is 11: 43 and I managed to get it all down. 1 liter of water with 1 tablespoon of salt. I tried my best to just chug, but I've never chugged a thing before in my life and I just couldn't possibly chug this. I got about 5 gulps in before I had to stop to keep from gagging, and I had to wash my mouth out in between each 5 gulps all the way to the last drop. Stomach nearly rebelled before I finished it off, but I stayed strong and kept in control. Feeling dizzy and nauseous. No need to run to the bathroom yet.

12:09 and I've had my first bathroom run. I promised myself after this I would allow myself to drink some water, I've two bottles right here and a pot of tea for even later, assuming I'd need to seriously rehydrate. My mouth is incredibly dry but my stomach still feels bubbly so I'll wait a little longer to drink. My head is spinning and I feel fairly close to fainting. Pretty cold too. Otherwise, doing fine.

It's now 12:42 and I've had my second trip to the bathroom for my salt water flush. My stomach is a bit fluttery still but calmer then before, so I'm opening my first water bottle. Still cold and dizzy, but it's all a bit calmer then before. This isn't as bad as I feared but I could never do this to myself more then once a month, and that already seems like too much. I'm thinking if someone were to do this on a weekly basis they'd be dead within a month, or severely damaged within a month at least.

1:44 and trip 3 has come and gone. I feel like I can go about my day now, the dizziness is now barely more then typical low-cal day lightheadedness. My belly is no longer quaking and fluttering. I think the next update will be tomorrow morning, about whatever weight loss has come of this. Right now I'm going to go wrap myself in blankets and ingest little but liquid throughout the rest of the day. I feel empty and I'm trying to appreciate it instead of fix it, though I'm dreaming of stuffing my mouth.

Lewis Carroll and Halloween

Did you know Lewis Carroll had an eating disorder? I don't know enough about them to guess exactly which kind. But it was fairly well documented that he didn't enjoy eating, and when he did eat, he ate very plain foods. I find this interesting because you can see this in his books, if you read them properly you can find pro-ana material in them. Alice has trouble everytime she comes across food until she starts eating boring food in moderation.When she comes across sweets and interesting drinks, bad things happen to her. The only reason I wouldn't really call the Alice books truly pro-ana and why I wouldn't call Lewis Carroll anorexic is that Alice doesn't just grow uncontrollably, she also shrinks uncontrollably. Any one with any familiarity with anorexia would know that shrinking is good, it's what is desired, to be the same on the outside as you are on the inside; tiny, delicate, small. Until Alice learns to eat not just plain food (mushroom over cake) but eat that food in severe moderation, she can't control her own size. This is a classic symptom of eating disorder, controlling food makes you feel you have control over yourself and your life. And Lewis Carroll was a firm believer in controlling food closely. I did all this research several months ago though, so I may have forgotten a few things. I remember there was something about how he attended dinner parties, or how he gave dinner parties. I plan on re-researching this, perhaps writing a paper just for fun.

Anyhow, hello again. I fell off the wagon for a few weeks, but even then I kept my intake under 1200 calories a day. I'm back, max is 900 again. I've been drifting around 115 lbs, haven't gained anything but haven't lost either. It seems all my favorite blogs have been abandoned. I keep wondering what happened to the bloggers. Did they just give up? Did they simply stop writing? Or maybe something happened to them, something big and life changing, some sickness or death in the family, perhaps a new job and a new city and things got too busy. I miss them. I hope they're okay.

It's Fall. I love Fall. I might love Winter more, but they're awfully close on my favorite seasons scale. I have a pumpkin in my lap as I type, and my fingers are cramping from sewing my costume. I'm making a capelet from an old hooded sweatshirt I bought at GoodWill. It's turning out really well, so I'm including the link to the instructions I found on making it, below this paragraph. Have a lovely Halloween, fill it with masks and shadows, not sticky-sweet candy who's flavor will be gone in seconds.

Capelet Design