Help me come back

I've been gone for so long, both in this little journal of me and in, well, my self-control For two months I've been...eating. I hate myself. I've melted completely. I had been dancing that thin line and I fell right through. But I haven't left entirely, my weight has been on my mind hourly. I can't stop thinking about it, but I lost the conviction to act. I need to come back. I need to pick a side, and this is the only one that welcomes me. The other side is too frightening. I remember, when I was a child, having to set up this complicated structure of pillows so I could sleep on my stomach, because when I slept on my back I felt like I was suffocating. I remember every moment I saw a mirror, a photograph, any image of my, that instant shame and humiliation of "I forgot, I truly am hideous. All those moments I thought perhaps I looked pretty I was a fool."I want to be lovely so desperately. But apparently not enough, given my behavior of the past few months. I am hoping that coming back to my secret little blog will help me. I've been so terrible. I am so scared of what I must weigh. I am so scared of what I must have undone. Again, I wish I had someone to talk to about this. Someone who would remind me to shove gum in my mouth and chew for hours instead of eating chips and cookies. Someone who wouldn't hate me if I refused to drink the extra-mega large root beer my boyfriend brought home for meas a special surprise. If only I knew someone who could be as invested in this or more then I am, I would be able to make the right choices even if I hurt a few feelings. Those can easily be mended. These stretch marks are here until I die.

On another note, I've been inspired lately. To do what, I am not sure. But I've had this lovely vision/dream that I've been clinging too so I could sleep instead of dwell on all the horrible things I've been shoveling in me. Has it ever occurred to you that the ribcage is surprising winglike? As though if we could just find a flaw in our skins and wiggle our way out, our ribs could twist back around the right way and unfold, spread out behind our backs? I've been dreaming of a skeleton girl with ribcage wings, her spinal cord like the tail of a kite. I don't know where to go from there, how to put it to paper, but there it is. When I was little, I believed that people would go to whatever after life they believed in. Christians would go to heaven or hell, Buddhists would be reincarnated until the achieved enlightenment, Atheists would become nothing, and perhaps Agnostics would get to choose. I wonder if my afterlife lies in this skeletal girl.

But I am being silly, my sleep schedule has been messed up due  to unusually early classes starting this week. Anything I say should be taken with a grain of salt, and anything I type is worth less, I give those things just enough thought to make them incomprehensible.

Anyhow, I plan on digging up one of my helpful cd's, I guess you could call it a thinspo cd, and hoping I can make tomorrow better. If anyone is there, please wish me luck.

A little bit of me, for you

Whether or not any eyes skim these words, I wanted to write a little about me. Things I'd feel ridiculous posting on facebook, I can't post on my secret-completely-anonymous site because I want to share with the possibility of response, whether or not it happens.I've always been in love with the tenuousness of life. It's bittersweet and perfect, a delicate balance. Some of my most favorite things are connected to this concept. In The Last Unicorn, when Lady Amalthea is created, when the unicorn she was is given a human and mortal form, she says,"I can feel my body dying all around me."and the moment she says that has always been so memorable to me, it always seemed so incredibly beautiful and sad. In another part, King Haggard, the cruel, lonely, broken king, says on seeing unicorns, it was so beautiful, filled him with such joy, he thought he was going to die. To me, beauty will always be connected to death in a way. Something truly delicate is always a step from death, a step from being broken. Being that close to nothing is what makes it beautiful, what makes it perfect. Perhaps that's why I want to need to long to be balancing on that perfect space between perfection, bones and thin blue-purple veins and white skins, and death. To me, that is what I want from life. Anyhow, with all that, I'm actually going to post some thinspo today, the theme being ethereal, delicate, frozen.

You don't need food

You just need this:

Just as good as eating.

Salt Water Flush

Today I am attempting the infamous salt water flush. I will by documenting the results throughout the day by editing this post and adding the new details. Little bit scared, I've never done anything so dramatic to my body before. Or at least, since last year when I started dieting. I used to do things like eating a whole bag of salt-and-vinegar chips, pretty damn bad for you and dramatic. So I'm trying not to worry and just hope for good results. If I can lose about 6 pounds within 2 days, I will have lost 70 in one year. If I can't do this, well, I don't know how I'll feel. I hope I don't find out. Hoping for the best, see you again soon.

Alright, it is 11: 43 and I managed to get it all down. 1 liter of water with 1 tablespoon of salt. I tried my best to just chug, but I've never chugged a thing before in my life and I just couldn't possibly chug this. I got about 5 gulps in before I had to stop to keep from gagging, and I had to wash my mouth out in between each 5 gulps all the way to the last drop. Stomach nearly rebelled before I finished it off, but I stayed strong and kept in control. Feeling dizzy and nauseous. No need to run to the bathroom yet.

12:09 and I've had my first bathroom run. I promised myself after this I would allow myself to drink some water, I've two bottles right here and a pot of tea for even later, assuming I'd need to seriously rehydrate. My mouth is incredibly dry but my stomach still feels bubbly so I'll wait a little longer to drink. My head is spinning and I feel fairly close to fainting. Pretty cold too. Otherwise, doing fine.

It's now 12:42 and I've had my second trip to the bathroom for my salt water flush. My stomach is a bit fluttery still but calmer then before, so I'm opening my first water bottle. Still cold and dizzy, but it's all a bit calmer then before. This isn't as bad as I feared but I could never do this to myself more then once a month, and that already seems like too much. I'm thinking if someone were to do this on a weekly basis they'd be dead within a month, or severely damaged within a month at least.

1:44 and trip 3 has come and gone. I feel like I can go about my day now, the dizziness is now barely more then typical low-cal day lightheadedness. My belly is no longer quaking and fluttering. I think the next update will be tomorrow morning, about whatever weight loss has come of this. Right now I'm going to go wrap myself in blankets and ingest little but liquid throughout the rest of the day. I feel empty and I'm trying to appreciate it instead of fix it, though I'm dreaming of stuffing my mouth.

Lewis Carroll and Halloween

Did you know Lewis Carroll had an eating disorder? I don't know enough about them to guess exactly which kind. But it was fairly well documented that he didn't enjoy eating, and when he did eat, he ate very plain foods. I find this interesting because you can see this in his books, if you read them properly you can find pro-ana material in them. Alice has trouble everytime she comes across food until she starts eating boring food in moderation.When she comes across sweets and interesting drinks, bad things happen to her. The only reason I wouldn't really call the Alice books truly pro-ana and why I wouldn't call Lewis Carroll anorexic is that Alice doesn't just grow uncontrollably, she also shrinks uncontrollably. Any one with any familiarity with anorexia would know that shrinking is good, it's what is desired, to be the same on the outside as you are on the inside; tiny, delicate, small. Until Alice learns to eat not just plain food (mushroom over cake) but eat that food in severe moderation, she can't control her own size. This is a classic symptom of eating disorder, controlling food makes you feel you have control over yourself and your life. And Lewis Carroll was a firm believer in controlling food closely. I did all this research several months ago though, so I may have forgotten a few things. I remember there was something about how he attended dinner parties, or how he gave dinner parties. I plan on re-researching this, perhaps writing a paper just for fun.

Anyhow, hello again. I fell off the wagon for a few weeks, but even then I kept my intake under 1200 calories a day. I'm back, max is 900 again. I've been drifting around 115 lbs, haven't gained anything but haven't lost either. It seems all my favorite blogs have been abandoned. I keep wondering what happened to the bloggers. Did they just give up? Did they simply stop writing? Or maybe something happened to them, something big and life changing, some sickness or death in the family, perhaps a new job and a new city and things got too busy. I miss them. I hope they're okay.

It's Fall. I love Fall. I might love Winter more, but they're awfully close on my favorite seasons scale. I have a pumpkin in my lap as I type, and my fingers are cramping from sewing my costume. I'm making a capelet from an old hooded sweatshirt I bought at GoodWill. It's turning out really well, so I'm including the link to the instructions I found on making it, below this paragraph. Have a lovely Halloween, fill it with masks and shadows, not sticky-sweet candy who's flavor will be gone in seconds.

Capelet Design

Lists

Things I have been craving:
Beans
Cheese (actually had a dream about eating cheese. An embarrassingly sexy-type dream)
Zucchini bread
Mini cheesecakes with chocolate shortbread crust and cinnamon/cayenne ganache (I made some for a party and ate a few on a free day. Big mistake.)
Peppermint patties
Honey
Berries and cream
Any candy with caramel and nuts

Things I have instead:
Diet Coke
Diet Dr. Pepper mixed with Diet Coke
Lettuce and Pickles
Popcorn
Low-cal powdered drink stuff, mostly raspberry and fruit punch flavored
Ice cubes
Peas
Spinach

Things that make me sick
Everything I've eaten lately


Things that make me scared
Failing
Having my failings discovered
Getting fatter
Never escaping this horrible horrible sweaty-slow town
Being a disappointment

Up in the air

My head has been spinning. Nothing really new or interesting, it's just my self constantly changing. Yesterday, I glanced at my now-knobbly knee and had the thought "I have never seen myself like this before" and I realized I had been thinking that nearly every time I glance new evidence of my weight loss. It seems like for at least a month now, probably since summer began, I've had absolutely no mental image of myself. I do not know myself. I wish I could put it in terms as simple as a butterfly from a cocoon, with a brand new body. But that's not right, there was no clean transition to identify, and my change isn't done. I feel like I'll never know myself again. I feel a little sad, but also relieved because the me that I knew was someone I'm ashamed of. I think of my old body and wince. But I don't know where I'm going, who I am. The one comfort is that who I am is better, and who I will be is better still.
One of the most difficult things about it is I'm terrified to bring up the subject of my weight loss with anyone. I can't crow over how I've kept under 700 the past two days, and well under 900 the past week. I can't talk about my image issues. Even safe-ish topics like being unable to recognize myself could lead to "Well you're done losing weight now, right? So you can get used to yourself again." Because I hate lying outright like that. I'm willing to hide this, it would upset everyone. But I will not lie unless I'm absolutely driven into a corner, I'll avoid it as long as I can. The only time I can mention these things is on my nice safe little blog. But that fact that I can't truly voice any of these things makes me feel so lonely. I can't tell anyone directly, not even people who happen to read this on their way to other blogs, because unless I get feedback in some form or other, it may as well just be written on a scrap of paper and burned. I feel as though I've still told no one. I am painfully aware of how long it's been since I've opened my mouth right now. I wish there was someone I could talk to. When I started dieting, I started with a good friend of my. We were diet buddies. But she's fallen off the wagon, or climbed back on to it, whichever is your view. I am both upset with her that she left me to continue on alone and relieved that she won't go through this turmoil/chaos/uncertainty as well. I will never worry about her hair loss or identity loss, her manifesting hip bones and ribs, vitamin deficiencies, dizzy spells, weakness. Having just me to worry about is in it's way a relief.
This post has really gone nowhere, I'll pretend I did it on purpose so any reader can for a moment experience my confusion and uncertainty. There, look how clever I've been. Well done me.