Lists

Things I have been craving:
Beans
Cheese (actually had a dream about eating cheese. An embarrassingly sexy-type dream)
Zucchini bread
Mini cheesecakes with chocolate shortbread crust and cinnamon/cayenne ganache (I made some for a party and ate a few on a free day. Big mistake.)
Peppermint patties
Honey
Berries and cream
Any candy with caramel and nuts

Things I have instead:
Diet Coke
Diet Dr. Pepper mixed with Diet Coke
Lettuce and Pickles
Popcorn
Low-cal powdered drink stuff, mostly raspberry and fruit punch flavored
Ice cubes
Peas
Spinach

Things that make me sick
Everything I've eaten lately


Things that make me scared
Failing
Having my failings discovered
Getting fatter
Never escaping this horrible horrible sweaty-slow town
Being a disappointment

Up in the air

My head has been spinning. Nothing really new or interesting, it's just my self constantly changing. Yesterday, I glanced at my now-knobbly knee and had the thought "I have never seen myself like this before" and I realized I had been thinking that nearly every time I glance new evidence of my weight loss. It seems like for at least a month now, probably since summer began, I've had absolutely no mental image of myself. I do not know myself. I wish I could put it in terms as simple as a butterfly from a cocoon, with a brand new body. But that's not right, there was no clean transition to identify, and my change isn't done. I feel like I'll never know myself again. I feel a little sad, but also relieved because the me that I knew was someone I'm ashamed of. I think of my old body and wince. But I don't know where I'm going, who I am. The one comfort is that who I am is better, and who I will be is better still.
One of the most difficult things about it is I'm terrified to bring up the subject of my weight loss with anyone. I can't crow over how I've kept under 700 the past two days, and well under 900 the past week. I can't talk about my image issues. Even safe-ish topics like being unable to recognize myself could lead to "Well you're done losing weight now, right? So you can get used to yourself again." Because I hate lying outright like that. I'm willing to hide this, it would upset everyone. But I will not lie unless I'm absolutely driven into a corner, I'll avoid it as long as I can. The only time I can mention these things is on my nice safe little blog. But that fact that I can't truly voice any of these things makes me feel so lonely. I can't tell anyone directly, not even people who happen to read this on their way to other blogs, because unless I get feedback in some form or other, it may as well just be written on a scrap of paper and burned. I feel as though I've still told no one. I am painfully aware of how long it's been since I've opened my mouth right now. I wish there was someone I could talk to. When I started dieting, I started with a good friend of my. We were diet buddies. But she's fallen off the wagon, or climbed back on to it, whichever is your view. I am both upset with her that she left me to continue on alone and relieved that she won't go through this turmoil/chaos/uncertainty as well. I will never worry about her hair loss or identity loss, her manifesting hip bones and ribs, vitamin deficiencies, dizzy spells, weakness. Having just me to worry about is in it's way a relief.
This post has really gone nowhere, I'll pretend I did it on purpose so any reader can for a moment experience my confusion and uncertainty. There, look how clever I've been. Well done me.

Shrinkingshrinkingshrinking

I noticed yesterday that I have reached another goal for myself, though to say I have reached a goal makes things sound so much more solid and sure, as though I have accomplished something that will last. I will explain more thoroughly what I mean by my goal. When very first began dieting, I read this phrase in a book. This phrase was a real turning point for me, it may have been what truly started my diet.

"I am the space between my thighs, daylight shining through."

It has been my goal since reading this phrase to have that lovely space between my legs, to be so thin and small that I am all air where there used to be jiggles and rolls and sweaty skin. Occasionally I would catch glimpses of gaps developing, between my fingers for instance and yes between my legs. But I tried to not get too excited since it's so easy to slip up and have all your months of work taken from you, your lovely calorie deficit could leave the negatives so quickly. I chalked things up to a good day prior, nothing special or sure. But yesterday I stood in front of the mirror and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make the space between my legs disappear. I squeezed my legs together as hard as my few lasting muscles would let me and there remained a lovely space. This is real, it could last, I am getting thin. It's hard to believe since whenever I take off my clothes all I see is wide expanse of flabby flesh, those rolls remain, wrinkles of excess skin have developed, I am an elephant.  Common sense tells me time will take care of these things, since I have lost so much. But I see these things and feel I simply haven't tried hard enough. Thinking about these things I am already unsure if I am really thin yet. Not thin enough surely, that's an easy answer. But am I sure I'm no longer obese? Knowing how I truly look beneath it all just takes all my work away, seems like I never started counting calories for all that's happened. I feel like Doctor Lo's circus, so much bigger underneath the tent. I am a magic act. I just need to learn the right trick, to disappear.

I am a silly person...

So I noticed this new sort if habit I've developed a couple days ago; I had begun to refuse all food before noon and to make sure I do not pass the caloric equivalent of the time of day. If I've eaten more then 150 calories before 1:30 (1 and one half hour past noon) then I've failed. It is very silly and somedays I did not follow this, eating early in the morning to spread out the calories and keep energy in my body at all times to keep my metabolism up. But this system does really work for me no matter how silly it is. By 9 I'm basically done for the day unless I've remained under 900 cal (my daily max). Once 9 comes around I don't eat more then 900 cal, though for casual dieters this could work because 1200 cal is (in my silly eyes) a fairly safe amount. And  pansy-ass amount, for me. Not for other people, and I don't judge other people for eating that much, I'm the only one who becomes a pansy for eating so much.
I think this system developed when I was trying to prevent myself from eating too much at breakfast. And of course, too much really comes down to eating anything, so I would hold off eating until noon and things just carried on illogically from there.
If anyone else tries this, please tell me if it works for you! I would be so pleased ^-^

A note to whoever assigns sizes to clothes:

So today I weighed in at 116.8 lbs, I'm officially underweight for my height and body type. And I'm just able to fit into some clothes I bought when I was a handful of pounds from being morbidly obese last year (lemme just savor my accomplishment for a moment....).
Okay done. So these clothes were a size large when I bought them, I was slightly delusional about my weight but I still knew I was larger then many. So this person here, this newly underweight person, is only now able to fit into a size large. When large is just big enough for someone who weighs less then is healthy, there is a serious problem.

Fuck you, clothing designers. Fuck you, large retail stores. Fuck you, up the ass with a cheese grater.

Okay I feel that may be a bit dramatic.
We can start with a pine cone and work our way up. You twisted dillweeds.

Fast/Free Day Update

So my boyfriends birthday was a few days ago so I decided to try the fast/free day combo again knowing he would definitely notice if I didn't have cake or anything. I tried a liquid fast since I had to drive, didn't want to risk passing out while driving so I decided to have a few calories in my system. 200 calories of soup and tea, nothing else, one day, followed by a free day. Worked out very well in keeping my metabolism up. It's been faster these past few days then it has in weeks. I'd love to weigh myself to make sure this is working but my scale is the king of lies and malfunction. Once I can get to a working scale I'll post another update. For future reference, before the fast I was at 117.2, and any weight loss has been so slow lately that I'll consider any drop a success. 

119

I'm at 119, I've officially lost 60 lbs. Smallest I've ever been in my adult life, pr teenage life for that matter. I cannot express my excitement, my triumph. I calculated my ideal weight with this, I am at it precisely, when compensating for my smaller frame( 160 cm minus 100 is 60, which translates to 132 lbs minus 10% which is 13.2, so 118.8). Now anything I do takes me to underweight. I have never been underweight. This feeling is intoxicating. Perhaps by October I can be below 110. That's my next goal, though truly primarily I'll be working on not regaining the weight. I want to run outside and dance in the sun. Instead I'll make candy clay decorations for cupcakes and not eat a single one.