A little bit of me, for you

Whether or not any eyes skim these words, I wanted to write a little about me. Things I'd feel ridiculous posting on facebook, I can't post on my secret-completely-anonymous site because I want to share with the possibility of response, whether or not it happens.I've always been in love with the tenuousness of life. It's bittersweet and perfect, a delicate balance. Some of my most favorite things are connected to this concept. In The Last Unicorn, when Lady Amalthea is created, when the unicorn she was is given a human and mortal form, she says,"I can feel my body dying all around me."and the moment she says that has always been so memorable to me, it always seemed so incredibly beautiful and sad. In another part, King Haggard, the cruel, lonely, broken king, says on seeing unicorns, it was so beautiful, filled him with such joy, he thought he was going to die. To me, beauty will always be connected to death in a way. Something truly delicate is always a step from death, a step from being broken. Being that close to nothing is what makes it beautiful, what makes it perfect. Perhaps that's why I want to need to long to be balancing on that perfect space between perfection, bones and thin blue-purple veins and white skins, and death. To me, that is what I want from life. Anyhow, with all that, I'm actually going to post some thinspo today, the theme being ethereal, delicate, frozen.

You don't need food

You just need this:

Just as good as eating.

Salt Water Flush

Today I am attempting the infamous salt water flush. I will by documenting the results throughout the day by editing this post and adding the new details. Little bit scared, I've never done anything so dramatic to my body before. Or at least, since last year when I started dieting. I used to do things like eating a whole bag of salt-and-vinegar chips, pretty damn bad for you and dramatic. So I'm trying not to worry and just hope for good results. If I can lose about 6 pounds within 2 days, I will have lost 70 in one year. If I can't do this, well, I don't know how I'll feel. I hope I don't find out. Hoping for the best, see you again soon.

Alright, it is 11: 43 and I managed to get it all down. 1 liter of water with 1 tablespoon of salt. I tried my best to just chug, but I've never chugged a thing before in my life and I just couldn't possibly chug this. I got about 5 gulps in before I had to stop to keep from gagging, and I had to wash my mouth out in between each 5 gulps all the way to the last drop. Stomach nearly rebelled before I finished it off, but I stayed strong and kept in control. Feeling dizzy and nauseous. No need to run to the bathroom yet.

12:09 and I've had my first bathroom run. I promised myself after this I would allow myself to drink some water, I've two bottles right here and a pot of tea for even later, assuming I'd need to seriously rehydrate. My mouth is incredibly dry but my stomach still feels bubbly so I'll wait a little longer to drink. My head is spinning and I feel fairly close to fainting. Pretty cold too. Otherwise, doing fine.

It's now 12:42 and I've had my second trip to the bathroom for my salt water flush. My stomach is a bit fluttery still but calmer then before, so I'm opening my first water bottle. Still cold and dizzy, but it's all a bit calmer then before. This isn't as bad as I feared but I could never do this to myself more then once a month, and that already seems like too much. I'm thinking if someone were to do this on a weekly basis they'd be dead within a month, or severely damaged within a month at least.

1:44 and trip 3 has come and gone. I feel like I can go about my day now, the dizziness is now barely more then typical low-cal day lightheadedness. My belly is no longer quaking and fluttering. I think the next update will be tomorrow morning, about whatever weight loss has come of this. Right now I'm going to go wrap myself in blankets and ingest little but liquid throughout the rest of the day. I feel empty and I'm trying to appreciate it instead of fix it, though I'm dreaming of stuffing my mouth.

Lewis Carroll and Halloween

Did you know Lewis Carroll had an eating disorder? I don't know enough about them to guess exactly which kind. But it was fairly well documented that he didn't enjoy eating, and when he did eat, he ate very plain foods. I find this interesting because you can see this in his books, if you read them properly you can find pro-ana material in them. Alice has trouble everytime she comes across food until she starts eating boring food in moderation.When she comes across sweets and interesting drinks, bad things happen to her. The only reason I wouldn't really call the Alice books truly pro-ana and why I wouldn't call Lewis Carroll anorexic is that Alice doesn't just grow uncontrollably, she also shrinks uncontrollably. Any one with any familiarity with anorexia would know that shrinking is good, it's what is desired, to be the same on the outside as you are on the inside; tiny, delicate, small. Until Alice learns to eat not just plain food (mushroom over cake) but eat that food in severe moderation, she can't control her own size. This is a classic symptom of eating disorder, controlling food makes you feel you have control over yourself and your life. And Lewis Carroll was a firm believer in controlling food closely. I did all this research several months ago though, so I may have forgotten a few things. I remember there was something about how he attended dinner parties, or how he gave dinner parties. I plan on re-researching this, perhaps writing a paper just for fun.

Anyhow, hello again. I fell off the wagon for a few weeks, but even then I kept my intake under 1200 calories a day. I'm back, max is 900 again. I've been drifting around 115 lbs, haven't gained anything but haven't lost either. It seems all my favorite blogs have been abandoned. I keep wondering what happened to the bloggers. Did they just give up? Did they simply stop writing? Or maybe something happened to them, something big and life changing, some sickness or death in the family, perhaps a new job and a new city and things got too busy. I miss them. I hope they're okay.

It's Fall. I love Fall. I might love Winter more, but they're awfully close on my favorite seasons scale. I have a pumpkin in my lap as I type, and my fingers are cramping from sewing my costume. I'm making a capelet from an old hooded sweatshirt I bought at GoodWill. It's turning out really well, so I'm including the link to the instructions I found on making it, below this paragraph. Have a lovely Halloween, fill it with masks and shadows, not sticky-sweet candy who's flavor will be gone in seconds.

Capelet Design

Lists

Things I have been craving:
Beans
Cheese (actually had a dream about eating cheese. An embarrassingly sexy-type dream)
Zucchini bread
Mini cheesecakes with chocolate shortbread crust and cinnamon/cayenne ganache (I made some for a party and ate a few on a free day. Big mistake.)
Peppermint patties
Honey
Berries and cream
Any candy with caramel and nuts

Things I have instead:
Diet Coke
Diet Dr. Pepper mixed with Diet Coke
Lettuce and Pickles
Popcorn
Low-cal powdered drink stuff, mostly raspberry and fruit punch flavored
Ice cubes
Peas
Spinach

Things that make me sick
Everything I've eaten lately


Things that make me scared
Failing
Having my failings discovered
Getting fatter
Never escaping this horrible horrible sweaty-slow town
Being a disappointment

Up in the air

My head has been spinning. Nothing really new or interesting, it's just my self constantly changing. Yesterday, I glanced at my now-knobbly knee and had the thought "I have never seen myself like this before" and I realized I had been thinking that nearly every time I glance new evidence of my weight loss. It seems like for at least a month now, probably since summer began, I've had absolutely no mental image of myself. I do not know myself. I wish I could put it in terms as simple as a butterfly from a cocoon, with a brand new body. But that's not right, there was no clean transition to identify, and my change isn't done. I feel like I'll never know myself again. I feel a little sad, but also relieved because the me that I knew was someone I'm ashamed of. I think of my old body and wince. But I don't know where I'm going, who I am. The one comfort is that who I am is better, and who I will be is better still.
One of the most difficult things about it is I'm terrified to bring up the subject of my weight loss with anyone. I can't crow over how I've kept under 700 the past two days, and well under 900 the past week. I can't talk about my image issues. Even safe-ish topics like being unable to recognize myself could lead to "Well you're done losing weight now, right? So you can get used to yourself again." Because I hate lying outright like that. I'm willing to hide this, it would upset everyone. But I will not lie unless I'm absolutely driven into a corner, I'll avoid it as long as I can. The only time I can mention these things is on my nice safe little blog. But that fact that I can't truly voice any of these things makes me feel so lonely. I can't tell anyone directly, not even people who happen to read this on their way to other blogs, because unless I get feedback in some form or other, it may as well just be written on a scrap of paper and burned. I feel as though I've still told no one. I am painfully aware of how long it's been since I've opened my mouth right now. I wish there was someone I could talk to. When I started dieting, I started with a good friend of my. We were diet buddies. But she's fallen off the wagon, or climbed back on to it, whichever is your view. I am both upset with her that she left me to continue on alone and relieved that she won't go through this turmoil/chaos/uncertainty as well. I will never worry about her hair loss or identity loss, her manifesting hip bones and ribs, vitamin deficiencies, dizzy spells, weakness. Having just me to worry about is in it's way a relief.
This post has really gone nowhere, I'll pretend I did it on purpose so any reader can for a moment experience my confusion and uncertainty. There, look how clever I've been. Well done me.

Shrinkingshrinkingshrinking

I noticed yesterday that I have reached another goal for myself, though to say I have reached a goal makes things sound so much more solid and sure, as though I have accomplished something that will last. I will explain more thoroughly what I mean by my goal. When very first began dieting, I read this phrase in a book. This phrase was a real turning point for me, it may have been what truly started my diet.

"I am the space between my thighs, daylight shining through."

It has been my goal since reading this phrase to have that lovely space between my legs, to be so thin and small that I am all air where there used to be jiggles and rolls and sweaty skin. Occasionally I would catch glimpses of gaps developing, between my fingers for instance and yes between my legs. But I tried to not get too excited since it's so easy to slip up and have all your months of work taken from you, your lovely calorie deficit could leave the negatives so quickly. I chalked things up to a good day prior, nothing special or sure. But yesterday I stood in front of the mirror and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make the space between my legs disappear. I squeezed my legs together as hard as my few lasting muscles would let me and there remained a lovely space. This is real, it could last, I am getting thin. It's hard to believe since whenever I take off my clothes all I see is wide expanse of flabby flesh, those rolls remain, wrinkles of excess skin have developed, I am an elephant.  Common sense tells me time will take care of these things, since I have lost so much. But I see these things and feel I simply haven't tried hard enough. Thinking about these things I am already unsure if I am really thin yet. Not thin enough surely, that's an easy answer. But am I sure I'm no longer obese? Knowing how I truly look beneath it all just takes all my work away, seems like I never started counting calories for all that's happened. I feel like Doctor Lo's circus, so much bigger underneath the tent. I am a magic act. I just need to learn the right trick, to disappear.

I am a silly person...

So I noticed this new sort if habit I've developed a couple days ago; I had begun to refuse all food before noon and to make sure I do not pass the caloric equivalent of the time of day. If I've eaten more then 150 calories before 1:30 (1 and one half hour past noon) then I've failed. It is very silly and somedays I did not follow this, eating early in the morning to spread out the calories and keep energy in my body at all times to keep my metabolism up. But this system does really work for me no matter how silly it is. By 9 I'm basically done for the day unless I've remained under 900 cal (my daily max). Once 9 comes around I don't eat more then 900 cal, though for casual dieters this could work because 1200 cal is (in my silly eyes) a fairly safe amount. And  pansy-ass amount, for me. Not for other people, and I don't judge other people for eating that much, I'm the only one who becomes a pansy for eating so much.
I think this system developed when I was trying to prevent myself from eating too much at breakfast. And of course, too much really comes down to eating anything, so I would hold off eating until noon and things just carried on illogically from there.
If anyone else tries this, please tell me if it works for you! I would be so pleased ^-^

A note to whoever assigns sizes to clothes:

So today I weighed in at 116.8 lbs, I'm officially underweight for my height and body type. And I'm just able to fit into some clothes I bought when I was a handful of pounds from being morbidly obese last year (lemme just savor my accomplishment for a moment....).
Okay done. So these clothes were a size large when I bought them, I was slightly delusional about my weight but I still knew I was larger then many. So this person here, this newly underweight person, is only now able to fit into a size large. When large is just big enough for someone who weighs less then is healthy, there is a serious problem.

Fuck you, clothing designers. Fuck you, large retail stores. Fuck you, up the ass with a cheese grater.

Okay I feel that may be a bit dramatic.
We can start with a pine cone and work our way up. You twisted dillweeds.

Fast/Free Day Update

So my boyfriends birthday was a few days ago so I decided to try the fast/free day combo again knowing he would definitely notice if I didn't have cake or anything. I tried a liquid fast since I had to drive, didn't want to risk passing out while driving so I decided to have a few calories in my system. 200 calories of soup and tea, nothing else, one day, followed by a free day. Worked out very well in keeping my metabolism up. It's been faster these past few days then it has in weeks. I'd love to weigh myself to make sure this is working but my scale is the king of lies and malfunction. Once I can get to a working scale I'll post another update. For future reference, before the fast I was at 117.2, and any weight loss has been so slow lately that I'll consider any drop a success. 

119

I'm at 119, I've officially lost 60 lbs. Smallest I've ever been in my adult life, pr teenage life for that matter. I cannot express my excitement, my triumph. I calculated my ideal weight with this, I am at it precisely, when compensating for my smaller frame( 160 cm minus 100 is 60, which translates to 132 lbs minus 10% which is 13.2, so 118.8). Now anything I do takes me to underweight. I have never been underweight. This feeling is intoxicating. Perhaps by October I can be below 110. That's my next goal, though truly primarily I'll be working on not regaining the weight. I want to run outside and dance in the sun. Instead I'll make candy clay decorations for cupcakes and not eat a single one.

Thinspo song

I don't have much in the way of thinspo music, this is about it. I love this band, Chibi has a lovely voice and their stuff can get so dreamlike. Anyhow, not feeling up for an update yet so that'll have to come later. Hopefully tomorrow. I'm still stuck in time, once my scale moves below 120 I can unfreeze and be human again. Unfreeze isn't the right word, being frozen is beautiful, a delicate balance. I'm more bogged down in the mud and grime of FAT and being FAT. At 120 I can shed this dirty skin.

Begin again

I'm back. This weekend is an absolute blur. Eating was so frustrating, there was only one time when I knew the content of my food from the day I left. Being home, eating feels so much safer. I know everything that goes into me, I was able to stay under my limit yesterday and it was lovely. Today, I've had nothing but tea and it's perfect. I'm still a bit busy catching up on things, so not much of a post today. Relieved to be back, but as I hate where I live and spent the weekend visiting friends from a past life that I miss so much, a little sad and empty. Better then sad and full, right?

Little trip

So I'm leaving for the weekend to visit one of the bigger cities in my state, and I'll be traveling with someone who has been watching my caloric intake. So, I'm feeling a little worried, especially because I haven't been able to make a dent in these next 20 lbs I have to lose. I'm beginning to feel desperate, I've stayed under 900 cal for months it seems and I just can't lose any more weight. Doesn't help my scale seems to be broken, gives me seemingly random weights, going from the 130's to 110's within a day, not likely to be an authentic weight. But I am starting to stress about this new plateau. I NEED to start losing again. And while being watched I don't know how I'll manage. Either people notice my eating habits and maybe start doing something about them or I stall my weight loss or maybe even gain. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll fast tomorrow to prepare, just make sure to drink a shit-ton of water and a small amount of caffeine. Worried, stressed. Hating my body, why won't it work right?

Oh my oh my...

but I had a baaaad day yesterday. The day before I had fasted, and yesterday something in me snapped. It was BAM free day. I felt so horrible but kaPOW I was eating a bagel with full fat cream cheese, bread and butter, cheetos, ice cream, and there was even more but I am just too embarrassed to continue. That is the majority though. Anyhow, it was awful. Afterwards I decided it was alright, one free day once in a while isn't so bad, but then I kept trying to calculate what I had eaten and I knew if I did I would seriously freak. So there I was trying so very very hard to keep me from calculating calories, trying to find something else to think about, and finally I did! I found this show, it's perfect for me when I crave food but can't eat. Unique Sweets. It's the show about all these cool little sweet shops and all the neato things they make, which you would think would make anyone wild with hunger but no, it just makes me want to CREATE! It is so inspiring, all these amazing little candies and cakes. Today I ended up making some cookies (not too inspired, but it was the only thing I could make with the ingredients and tools I had) but I really want to try making caramel now. Unfortunately my boyfriend doesn't like caramel, and he's the one who usually ends up eating most of the sweets I bake. Maybe I can get my roommates to eat it. I really want to try a few times before December though, (gee think I have the time?) since I love giving homemade noms as gifts and I'm getting bored of giving out the same cookies each year.
Back to the point, this show is awesome. They have the best shots of the food, and paired with the gorgeous descriptions you may as well be eating them yourself. It's kept me from craving all day. Later I'll see how it fairs in stopping cravings that are already underway.
Oh, and the whole fasting/judgment snap didn't turn out too bad either. One reason I usually steer clear of fasts is I'm always worried about my metabolism slowing down, but what went on yesterday definitely remedied that, my erm...body has been...moving. Perhaps I should do this more often, a fast followed by free day, to keep my metabolism up. Even better, I can plan it around family gatherings so I can dissuade my family's worries. My family has decided I've lost enough weight already and they've started watching my intake a little too closely. This pisses me off a little, I started this when I noticed my dad watching each damn bite I had at dinner because he thought I was too fat. Rawr. But I'm being too harsh, I love my family and I can't blame them for this, it's all me. But seeing me eat on a free day should make them feel much better about my eating. Ahahaha.

Just a little something...

that I wrote awhile ago. I've been trying to get honest opinions on it for a while, who could be more honest then the anonymous browser? If you do read, I would really love a comment. And please, even though it may be a horrible piece with nothing to redeem it, it is mine, and I am a very possessive person. If you repost, credit me, even if it's to mock it.

Sugar House
for better or worse, written by Sugar Bones

This blood runs too warm,
Sugar sweet windows begin to melt
Sticky-soft dissolving
Cookie walls can’t hold this chaos
Pounded to crumbs
All that’s left is rock hard bone white skeleton, flecks of sweet ginger for the birds to peck away

This is why we chose the apple
We knew
Before ready teeth and eager tongue pressed taught skin
Before we broke through to snowy essence
We sensed the poison
This is why we chose the key
We knew
Before the entry was forced open to bloody scene
Before the musty secret exposed
We understood the ravaging
This is why we chose the wolf
We knew
Before we were torn apart and consumed
Before we shared the cannibal feast
We knew the price of freedom

This lifestyle is getting more difficult but even more desirable.

So I've recently moved in with my boyfriend. He doesn't know the extent of my diet, just that I'm dieting. He did notice one day I fasted, but I was stupid and chose a day when he'd be home, so my fault. But he didn't do anything about it, just kept saying I should eat and kept accepting "I'm not hungry" as a legitimate response. Living here makes things more difficult in a few ways, but easier in many. The main difficulty is: obviously fasting is difficult, and I have to be careful about my workout routine around him, meaning some days I don't get to work out and I feel gross and saggy as a melted marshmallow. But I have good reason not to eat. As I don't have a job yet, all the food, all the everything is his. His quite willing to share it but I am a terribly guilty person, which is ONE thing about me he notices. So when I get a side salad at a restaurant, he'll assume it's because I don't want to waste money. I make him a large dinner but have a cup of water with half a bullion cube for myself? Just feeling guilty. This does occasionally backfire though, because ofttimes I crave ridiculous sweets (damn those seductive redvines) and he'll surprise me with them because he appreciates my monetary awareness. At least he doesn't generally notice I'll eat only one a day. But I hate lying to him. He is a fantastic, amazingly beautiful person who deserves a perfect girlfriend. I just can't decide if I'm better as more beautiful and happy then I've ever been in my life, or as completely honest and miserable.
Ergh, this is all much too complicated. But writing it down helps infinitely.
I hope reading it isn't a bore.
By the way, whoever it is that stumbles upon this and takes the time to read about my silly little life, thank you. You are lovely.

So, here we go.

Hello, blog. Hello, reader.
I'm starting this blog hoping to inspire or assist those out there facing the same issues as me. Currently, apart from all the anxietydepressionblahblahblah, I am going through some weird things with food. I don't believe I am anorexic because I can on occasion quit counting calories for a meal, though I generally add them up after. But I think my food issues are too tiny to be a true disorder, and I hardly wish to undermine the seriousness of anorexia by labeling my ittybitty dieting problems with it. I began dieting a little over six months ago, though I've been overweight for nearly a decade (in my early twenties here). During that time, I had told myself I was dieting, I'd try things out for a week at most and then forget, or go to the gym for a month or so but never really push myself. I truly believed nothing worked, but only because I never truly tried. So last year, I truly tried. I calculated how many calories were necessary for a woman of my weight, height, age and lifestyle, found a good calorie deficit, and slowly lowered that about each month. I am now at 900 calories a day, max. An unhealthy number. But between then and now I went from 180 to about 120 lbs. With these results I don't care how unhealthy I am, I am just truly dying to be thin, for once in my adult life to be petite and delicate. My current goal is to be 100 lbs, but I don't know where it will stop. All I know is I'm about middling in my dieting endeavor.
Anyhow, this is basically what I will be talking about, with bits of my life, diet and exercise plans and tips and low cal recipes sprinkled in. I hope nothing here offends those kind enough to read my thoughts, I truly don't want to offend anyone.