Disappoint! But success?

Yesterday and today I've stuck to the plan. Today was nice and mellow, I sewed some lace onto this cute but plain apron my boyfriend fiance(!) bought me in this Japanese discount store, roommates shared barbeque with us and made some tofu just for me, it was very sweet of them. I was 100 cal below my limit when, at just before 11, boyfriend fiance(!) got a craving for ice-cream and so we drove to get some. Once we got in the store he kept insisting I get something, I hated refusing but I just had to. Everything looked so good, too, there were pastries with raspberries, perfect little sweet-tart magic fairy fruits...
He got two ice-cream sandwiches and when we got home, kept trying to feed me some. I had to keep making excuses until finally he just gave me a piece and said I should eat it...and I had to make it disappear...down the bathroom sink.
Not happy with that.
But strong, even though my max calories per day is high, it's a good beginning (re-beginning? restart) and I'm sticking to it. Tomorrow I'm going to a festival with my family, there will be lots of food and I can't imagine being able to get away long enough I can convince anyone I ate elsewhere, so I don't know how I'll manage. We'll see.
I hate lying. It was easier for me, in the midst of it all last year. But since I've gotten better/worse, it's gotten difficult to lie again, difficult to throw away food, difficult to refuse that voice that says I need at least 1200 calories. I gain weight at 1200 calories, I do not need that much. So I remind myself constantly.
I don't know what I am, am I sick? I don't even know what I look like, mirrors and my head aren't compatible . I don't know how much I weigh even, the scales don't make sense. Maybe it's my eyes? Or maybe I'm made of clay, or some weird substance that has no constant shape.

Even though I've kept below my max calories, I'm still disappointed with myself. Just so many things to be unhappy with myself with. I haven't made an actual meal for boyfriend fiance(!) in maybe a month, and with no current job (not until school starts again, my new job is in the educational field and subject to summer break) I'm basically a housewife while he works. And a failing housewife at that. There are forms I need to fill out and appointments  need to make for my new job, and I haven't been getting very far with any of them. I've been withdrawing from my friends, feeling bitter about the stupidest things, feeling overwhelmed by nothing, feeling shy and stupid about, again, nothing. My anti-depressant was recently changed to the generic, and I think I'm feeling it. It used to be that I could actually feel it kicking in in the morning. Things seemed softer and it was so much easier to be pleasant. Now I'm a bitch to everyone I care about, getting backaches from tension and being more scared of normal everyday things then any adult has a right to be. I hate being over 20. I feel like I don't deserve any help with my problems, and that all my problems are childish and stupid. And that having these problems, allowing them to exist, is the most childish thing yet. But if I knew how to deal with them I would. If I had the money for a therapist, I would go. That is, assuming I would be able to pick up the phone to make an appointment. no guarantees there I guess, based on past experience.

I think I need to re-read my posts, see what I've told and should follow up on. I try to be vague, being a paranoid person, based on that incredibly slim off-chance that someone I know finds this and recognizes me and makes a fuss. But now I don't care so much. Or maybe I want to be found out. Stupid brain.

Anyhow, to end this all on a pleasant dreamy note, or as my keyboard, who seems to be fighting with my 'e' key would have me say,  on a dramy not, I've discovered this new band called the Yoshida Brothers, here's my favorite song so far, for the listening pleasure of anyone who stumbles on this jumble of rambling self-indulgent nonesense: