When I was a little girl, my family was not wealthy. We ate a lot of Kraft Mac and Cheese with broccoli thrown in so we wouldn't die of malnutrition. I was more aware of this fact then many children would have been, and was therefore much more concerned about money then many children were. If I saw a toy in a store that I really wanted, either I would mention in it passing to my mother, hoping she would realize I wanted it (because if I directly asked and we couldn't afford it, it would be a humiliating and painful experience for us both) or I would stand in front of it and look sad, because, being a child, I was certain one day a kindly old lady would come along and take pity on my and buy my that toy out of sheer generosity.
So when people did buy me things, it was a big deal. I was a it of a hoarder for a while, because I had such an attachment to everything that had been given me. I would make an effort to play with toys I didn't really like just so the person who gave it to me wouldn't be sad.
One birthday, I think I was about four, my mother and sister gave me this toy called Mister Bucket. I believe it was meant to be a group game but once they gave it to me I took it to the kitchen to play. Mister Bucket worked like this: he was filled with many brightly colored balls, and would spew them around the room and the goal was to collect the balls and put them back in him, and he would proceed to spit them back out, you would chase them and bring them back.
So I began to play, and my sister and mother came to watch me, probably smiling beatifically because that's what people do when they watch children play.
I activated Mister Bucket and began running around the room collecting balls as they rolled and bounced around the floor. But as I was bringing them back, I realized a serious flaw in this game. It would never stop, the was no end, I could not win. I would keep collecting balls, and once I returned them to Mister Bucket, he would send them out again. If I stopped, he would just send out more and more and my sister and mother would be sad that I hadn't enjoyed my birthday present. I couldn't allow that, they had spent precious money on this toy, thinking I would enjoy it, and I would not disappoint! I rallied, and began to collect again in earnest. But seen I felt completely overwhelmed, this was a hopeless endeavor. The stream of balls would never stop. I began to panic as I collected the balls, and soon began to cry. I don't remember how it ended, but this has stayed with me since it happened, a constant source of guilt: I did not enjoy this toy. They went out of their way to make me happy, but I cried all over it and ruined everything.
I've noticed this same situation happening again and again, to a lesser extent. I work myself into a frenzy to please someone, but it doesn't work out right and I feel guilty and stressed for creating the situation in the first place.
Like today!
So, I am a gamer. A casual gamer I guess, I prefer exploring worlds and discovering secrets to them then leveling and fighting people.
There's this new game coming out soon that my fiance and sister are incredibly exited about, and yesterday was the first day of the last beta testing, meaning the last time we could play until the game is officially released. Fiance has thought of nothing else for days. There's this one type of puzzle found in this game, a jumping puzzle. Basically, there's an area suspended somehow, and you have to jump from one location to another, finding the right path to whatever treasure lies at the end. There are many obstacles along the way; things that push you off whatever it is your standing on or attack you. Basically, if you fall or die, you have to start over, sometimes completely. As this is happening during beta testing, there are also flaws with the game itself, so even more obstacles. Funnsies.
But my fiance loves these things. He seeks them out and tackles each one. While I had my character out gathering ingredients to cook with (yeah you can cook in this game, and have mini adventures finding strawberries to make tarts and stuff. This is what I like about it.), he invited me to join him on one particular jumping puzzle. And history, being the cruel bastard he is, repeated himself. My character fell and died so many times I lost count, and each time I had to begin again from the beginning. Fiance was frustrated too, but enjoying himself as well so I kept at it. After about 20-30 minutes I had gotten to hair pulling frustration. About 10 minutes after that I was crying. And maybe 10 minutes after that, having been sent all the way to the very beginning AGAIN, I fell AT THE BEGINNING of the puzzle and died, and I just couldn't do it any more. I was miserable that i had pushed myself to the point of crying, but so much more miserable that fiance must know I was crying because of this puzzle he invited me to join thinking we could have a nice adventure together. I just broke down completely, shut my laptop and curled into a miserable, embarrassed ball of sniveling gross.
I'm an idiot.
On the plus side, I'm so unhappy with myself that I have the determination not to eat today. So there's that.
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