Getting better

The past few days have been really good, often keeping under 500, never over 700. Except yesterday, maybe. My boyfriend fiance(!) took me out, we never go out! I hadn't had anything to eat all day, but we saw two movies and during each I had about 2 cups of popcorn, without extra butter, which after looking up just now when I remembered I could, is actually a total of 190 cal. Not sure if that's right, seems so low...but if so, fantastic. I was thinking maybe 100 a cup. Good good ^-^ I'm a happy Sugar Bones.

It's also been good in that I've been getting out, (not just of the bedroom, of the house!) and I had people over today, one I never met before, and I was fine. I felt only a little weird, mostly pretty confident. I baked and only barely tasted the batter, when I tasted the finished product I just put some on my tongue and then spit it back out when I had an idea. Sounds weird but made me feel better. Anyhow I'm at 400 today, and I spent the day with people instead of hiding under the covers even though it was raining and perfect for hiding away. I took care of work issues this week, each day doing as much as I could do, so I don't stress about it. Looks like I'll only be getting 6 hours a week, but still, it's work in the same field as my chosen career, with experience that would help me get a job at any university I attend. And considering my boyfriend's job takes care of the bills, this will all be able to go into savings to pay for college when we transfer. The more I think about it, the more I love this job. Just paranoid that I'll somehow ruin this opportunity.

But last night we went grocery shopping, and my boyfriend wanted me to get myself a snack for home. I almost cried. He noticed, and I couldn't tell him. There was a point a few months ago when I would have been very tempted to tell him what was wrong, that I knew if I ate any of that food, even an apple, I would hate myself, I would bury myself in self loathing and who knows, maybe even cut again because I can't bring the food back up and it would be killing me just letting that food seep into me and I would need the endorphins to calm down. But no matter how upset I was at the moment, I had no desire to tell him. This disturbs me.

But I WANT to weigh myself, I know I've been goodgoodgood and I'm not afraid of the numbers. I'm a little afraid I guess, I always am, that I will be wrong. But I know my hipbones stand out more then a week ago, and the hill of my belly in between the bones is a little more shallow. I hate that I somehow have a belly even though my hipbones stand out, I feel like I have the weird lumpy body of a Skeksi from The Dark Crystal.

And on a happier note again, I love chai tea and I've been working on chai tea muffins for about a year and I think I've perfected the ratio of spices. I'm always tempted to put in too much cardamom, because it is of my HUMBLE opinion that a chai tea made of solely of cinnamon is NOT proper chai, even though chai really just means tea so I suppose you technically could call any tea chai. But I digress, I really need a ratio of about 2:1 cinnamon to cardamom and add less then a 1/2 of the measurement used for cardamom for any other spices I feel like, ginger or clove or black pepper. I also always forget vanilla, which I feel makes it taste more creamy, which is very important. Now I need to use all this on my super low cal muffins, so I can actually eat them and my boyfriend fiance will stop worrying. I only really eat around him but still, he says he's noticed I don't eat much. Need to work on that.