The fuck. Honestly.

So I was eating well today, I was out all day and taken to lunch and dinner, had salads for both and one piece of bread I ate slow as balls. Then I got home and developed a shrieking headache, and I always weirdly get paranoid having headaches that are unbalanced, asymmetrical, because a little part of my brain (never the part that is partially debilitated due to pain) insists it's cancer and then I stress and the headache gets worse. And then I started eating because when I'm stressed and in pain, another very tiny part of my brain, another incredibly stupid tiny part of my brain, thinks food will make it better. Now, the reason for the headache is stress. And there is stressed caused by this headache, which causes binging which causes stress. It's all a fantastic merry-go-round of I'm an idiot who can't handle simple issues.

BUT let's get to the issue. So, last night there was a beautiful storm. Where I live, we never get summer rain storms. But we did and it was lovely. But I couldn't sleep. So I stayed up reading, with the window open because it was hot as Satan's coffee or something I don't know. When it is this hot, I do not sleep in pajamas, because I do not have a death wish as far as I know. Yar that's right I sleep nekkid. It's hot, give me a break. It was so hot we even had the curtain open and a fan on the windowsill. Our window points directly to our backyard, with nice high fences. Ah, she's making a point of the backyard, and window, and being nude, you might be thinking. Hold on it get's better. So while I'm reading, by very dim light, enjoying the storm, there is this bright flash of light from outside. Good gods, what could that be? I ask myself. I wait, and soon enough I hear the telltale sound of thunder. But still, I couldn't help but notice that there was about 40 seconds (I always count when there's a storm) between that flash and the thunder and I find myself wondering how I could see the lightning so brightly when the source was obviously far away. I push it to the back of my mind, I'm enjoying this book. There are more flashes, and I don't bother spending the energy to see if they match up with the thunder since I'm beginning to get sleepy. Then I sleep. I wake up from some hellish bug bite about 2 hours later, and at once I run to the bathroom to check out the incredibly painful and itchy bite in the mirror. Being exhausted, I soon decide I had better look up my symptoms on WebMD, because in my so very tired mind, I may well have been bitten by something poisonous and that thing must have been in our bed and if it is poisonous, I had better wake up boyfriend fiance to at least shake out the bedclothes if not rush me to the hospital. I was very tired, please don't judge. So I'm looking up my symptoms and trying to work through the fog of sleep and panic and pain to navigate the symptoms page and find out how to select skin instead of arm when I notice that flash again. But this time there is no rain. There is no storm, there is no thunder. It is the exact same flash as before, but this time, accompanied by that universally recognizable click of a camera.

What the fuck.

I close the curtains, lie in bed under thelevel of the window, and peer through, carefully covered, hoping to catch a glimpse of what seems to the telltale flash of flash photography. At this point I was hoping to affirm my confused suspicions and perhaps find a source, and perhaps see that it is pointing somewhere other then my BEDROOM WINDOW. No more flashes. Back to sleep, busy day of wearing clothes at all times.

Now, I do not know what to think. The first time I noticed the flash, I was not tired. It was not imagined, it was not a trick of the mind, and upon some contemplation, couldn't have been lightning. I do not know for sure if it was a camera. All I know is I heard a sound I was NOT listening for that explained the odd flash I hadn't been thinking about. I also do not know if, had it been a camera, it had been taking pictures of me. All I know is mysterious unexplained flashes and the one time it was quiet enough to hear, the sound of a camera, and all this when I not wearing clothes, the curtains were open and I was within view of the window. I'm trying not to flatter myself by thinking someone could have been taking pictures of me, that surely something interesting must have been happening wherever the flash originated. But I heard no talking, and I know no one who goes out late at night to take pictures in their backyard unless something phenomenal was going on, and apart from the storm, which is hard to capture by camera especially at night, there was nothing. Gods I wish I knew what to do. Other then to get thicker and wider curtains. I'm sure this isn't enough to approach the police about, but I feel so uncomfortable. I wish I knew what to do.

I wish I had people to talk to.