OH BOY CHANGE

My ramblings may get a lot darker, more confusing, and maybe even more disjointed then usual, because, oh joy of joys, my antidepressant prescription is changing again. Before I landed on the last medication, my antidepressants had actually made me a lot more depressed, what with the suicidal thoughts, and causing frightening episodes starting with severe vertigo followed by emotional breakdowns.
Then we settled on my old medication, which was great. It was odd though, I could feel it kicking in everyday. Or imagined I could. There was a moment every morning when it felt like the part of my brain that takes offense and holds grudges, throws tantrums, etc., was sinking back under the covers. Like it was going back to sleep. I felt like I had the perfect morning, and by building on that, my day would be okay.
The generic came out about a year after I started taking the old medication, which was fantastic, because I could afford  it without worrying about the consequences. I wouldn't have to wonder if this medication meant not having dinner. Wait scratch that. If buying this medication meant my fiance couldn't have dinner. For me it would just be a convenient excuse. Everything seemed to be fitting together so well. Until I started forgetting. I'd ask someone a question and within two minutes, I could barely remember whether or not I had asked at all, and the answer had completely vanished. It no longer existed. Bit by bit, minutes of my life were just disappearing. When I was lucid enough to realize this, I could feel those minutes adding up. Even though at the moment I could stand to only be half present, I knew that I would need to be fully there soon. I was worried for how I would handle those times when I needed to be fully present. And a little freaked out that I felt I didn't need to be there at the time.
So I had to decide whether I wanted to be happy but blank (generic), able to cope but dirt poor and guiltridden (name brand), or...thrown into complete disorientation. For some reason I chose the latter. So let's see where this take us.